“I don’t know how to believe” …..were the words that I found myself saying to my sister & simultaneously having a breakdown as I had this realisation,
This article is going to be real and candid. I don’t know any other way. My spirit just wouldn’t allow me to hide behind the facade of perfection. And trust me this could be tempting because I am meant to be the coach. I’m meant to be the expert but guess what, I’m a human being. I’m learning, growing and falling just as much as you. And this willingness to be vulnerable is probably the reason that I have been able to make a difference to my clients.
Anyway back to the topic of the article. You see I thought I had belief! I thought I knew what belief was but this breakdown made me face the fact that I don’t actually know what belief is. It’s not like I can touch this thing called belief. You can’t prove belief so anyone. It isn’t tangible or physical in any shape or form. It is this statement “you just got to believe” that gets banded around like we all know what it actually means.
Now, if you become honest and ask yourself, what is belief? Can you actually pin it down? Can you articulate it with clarity and confidence? Most people would find it difficult convincing themselves and others would belief actually is. Because right now as I write this article, I’ll be honest, I don’t know what belief is.
This is how the story began
Let me give you the background story of where this realisation came from & hopefully we can figure out what belief is. Only once we know what belief is, can we start recognising it’s presence or absence and what to do about it in either case.
So over the last 2 months, I have been planning a seminar for over 200 women called “make a difference in the world” with the aim of guiding women to heal and let go of emotional pain, so that they can love and accept their feminine self. All with the intention that these resurrected women will go be the difference in the world.
As I prepared the website, content etc and as time crept closer (by the way, the seminar is scheduled for 28th Jan) I found myself down scaling the seminar into a workshop. And then I downgraded it to 11 women, in a small room somewhere in London. Along with this, I barely promoted the seminar. Now I know that this seminar would liberate a lot of women because I’ve coached this stuff to a whole host of female clients with huge success but I’ve never really done many events and seminars before.
I mentioned this downgrading from 200 people seminar to an 11 people workshop to my business partner and fellow emotion-transformation coach Natalia. I justified it in my own plausible way. I really believed that it was justifiable .But she did not take it how I expected her to. She felt disappointed in me that I had given up on the original vision and she felt that I was not being in my power as a man. Her comments resonated very much. When I read these words, I realised that in my heart, large seminars are what I want to do. Impacting 100’s of women at the same time.
Although her comments resonated, the enormity of what it meant did not hit home until I spoke to her again in the evening. When we were having an honest conversation, I found myself telling her something that I hadn’t told anyone before. “I don’t believe I can do a 200 women seminar” but the real bombshell was “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BELIEVE”. Before this moment, I didn’t have the awareness that I didn’t know how to believe.
Don’t we all just take belief for granted? We all think we know what belief is but if we really knew what belief was then wouldn’t we all be living lives that are different to what we are experiencing presently. The answer is YES, it would be much different. Most people like me walk around not knowing what belief actually is.
Then Natalia helped me to walk through a process of connecting with that part of my consciousness that didn’t know what belief was. She intuitively got me to connect to my inner child and my inner child had severed his connection to BELIEVING at the age of 4 when he was sexually abused by the opposite neighbour, Then on top of this initial severing, my parents compounded the misery by making sure I never had any idea of what belief was. Not on purpose but just passing on their own limited conditioning to me by constantly telling me this wasn’t possible or that wasn’t possible. I forgive them because that is what they were taught. How can parents teach what they do not know.
As I write this article, I have no reference in my body of what belief is. To say I have belief and then actually experiencing it are two very different things.
Natalia helped me to rekindle my connection to the disconnected inner child so that I could start healing the part of me that didn’t know belief. I had the felt sense of relief at the end of the session with her that it was ok to admit that I didn’t know what belief was. The healing of my inner child had happened on one level of my psyche but I was also aware that it hadn’t hit home fully, And oh boy did it hit home one hour later, as I found myself sobbing in front of my sister telling her that I didn’t know what it meant to believe. This breakdown was very painful but necessary because it was the return of the 4 year old me that had literally killed off his belief, as his innocence was smashed to pieces as a result of the abuse.
From the view point of emotional intelligence, which I happen to teach, let me tell you contrary to popular culture, a breakdown is a very good sign. It means that you are releasing unconscious baggage that you have carried for years. In my case, I realised for me the breakdown was the grief of having “belief” tarnished by sexual abuse. The dialogue would have been “What is the point in believing when the world is just abusive towards me”. As a kid, my psyche would have had much pain attached to the idea of believing so it’s better not the believe.
My felt sense in my body is that a burden was lifted from my shoulders. Like a lie has been erased in terms of me pretending to believe in myself has now gone. My intuition is saying, this is now the first time in my life that I will know belief! Disbelief has now made room for actually cultivating belief.
Let’s venture into the answering of the original question shall we, how does one believe?……. But as I write these words, my inner voice says I don’t know how. Hence I require a few days to allow time for this vacuum that has been created after the breakdown, to be filled with some sort of reference of what believing is and how to believe. .
This I will leave for part two of this article. But before I go, I will share this. The few moments when we have known what belief is, we have been moved by it! Moved in a way that we have a knowing that an outcome or result is inevitable because the belief is a visceral experience in the body. I believe X is not just a bunch of words but an experience that might as well be tangible. See you in part two of this article. Please do comment what your experience of belief is? And share the article if it has benefited you. If I can serve you, please touch base with me firstname.lastname@example.org
With love and blessings.